Nora grumbled to her therapist that she would never forgive her ex-husband. It was 20 years ago he left her for another woman, his secretary. Since then her ex had divorced and married another.

Nora was devastated from her divorce. She remained single and revengeful. She never missed an opportunity to belittle the memory of him, though he had disappeared from her life many years ago.

Nora’s hands once beautiful and soft were now riddled with arthritis. They looked like claws ready to squeeze her ex-husband’s neck as she exclaimed, “I would like to strangle him.”

Nora might be an extreme example of someone refusing to forgive another. But many struggle with similar relationship difficulties and cannot find it within themselves to let go of people they believe “did them wrong!”

Often, the reason someone does not forgive is that they are under the mistaken conclusion that letting go of a grudge means the person they are holding something against will then get off scot free. But this kind of thinking is false for many reasons.

One: The person you are not forgiving probably rarely thinks of you or your lack of forgiveness. So they are little effected by your never-gonna-forgive-‘em stance.

Two: This kind of thinking leads to unwanted consequences. While you’re trying to make sure this person is somehow punished by your thoughts, it’s you who’s getting the beating.

“Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” -- Aura Mae

Whenever we hold resentments, grudges and bad feelings within us, this negative energy lodges into our consciousness and human energy field. The negative energy becomes a blocking force against our flowing energy and over time will diminish not only our life force but our health.

Once you realize that forgiveness does not change the outcome of another person’s life but rather yours, you are more likely to want to forgive. This does not mean that you are condoning or saying what happened to you is okay. It just means that you are freeing yourself from the revengeful feelings you’ve been harboring so you can feel good and happy once more.

Research has shown that resentment, bitterness and grudge holding results in long-term health problems; whereas forgiveness brings healing and benefits including:

• Diminished stress
• Lower blood pressure
• Calmer heart rate
• Lifting of Depression
• Stronger, healthier relationships
• Improved mental health
• Spiritual well being
• Less hostility

How do you begin to forgive?

Although you may have you own way of working on forgiveness, here's one idea:

Make Forgiveness a Ritual.

Making a ritual of forgiving another works to impress on your conscious and unconscious minds that you mean business.

Find a quiet place, light a candle and say the following:

I light a candle to encourage myself. I do longer desire to carry around anger, resentment, hatred, bitterness. I therefore have decided to forgive _______. I let go of ______. I forgive ______ completely. I free myself of ___________ and know when I forgive, I am being let free. I no longer allow myself to believe that a lack of forgiveness is best or even helpful. I forgive because it is good for me to do so.

If you are religious, you can add prayer to your ritual thanking God for helping you to forgive and asking for His blessing.