Key Concepts: Relationships, Human Behavior, Parenting, Dysfunctional Behavior, How to become your own loving parent, ACA, 12 step groups

Most of us grew up in homes where our parents were loving and kind. Not perfect and not always consistent. But we knew we were loved and protected.

Some of us, however, were not so fortunate. Perhaps just one parent was difficult, unkind even cruel, or disciplined by slapping you. Or maybe your home life was in a state of disarray where healthy boundaries were non existent. In some cases there was physical and/or sexual abuse. Or there was verbal and emotional abuse. Some children may have watched in horror as their father physically abused their mother and then found themselves victims of his violence as well.

THE CONSEQUENCES AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

In these cases, our parents--the very people who had the responsibility to develop healthy self esteem and a sense of self worth--did not do their job. The consequences of these experiences are immense. Not the least of which is the development of feelings of shame, unworthiness, and failure in the person brought up in under these kind of circumstances.

However, this article is not about the reasons why this happened. It is about the way you can begin to undo the effects. It is about redefining yourself. It is about learning to love yourself in a healthy way.

HOW TO START

You can be transformed into a happier more functional person when you start to become the loving parent to yourself that you never had as a child. For instance, think about a child and how she or he needs to be treated–with love, care, deference, and protection. So then, that is how you need to start treating yourself.

It is not easy because it is unfamiliar to you. Here's one exercise I give my clients: look at yourself in the mirror and say "I love you". How does that feel? If it’s uncomfortable or feels silly that is exactly why you need to do it. Your discomfort is the old negative tape developed during your upbringng which continues to the present day, telling you, "I'm unworthy." But get your head wrapped around this: IT IS A LIE! Your worthiness is established at your birth. We are all worthy of love. But when we don't get that love from our parents, we falsely conclude: "There is something wrong with me. I am undeserving."

Keep looking in the mirror and telling yourself that "I love you" until it becomes true for you. Along with that begin acting in kind, generous ways to yourself. A loving parent is considerate and caring but also teaches self-discipline without the harsh criticism.

It's not easy to stop being so self-critical. Listen to your self talk. A lot of it will be negative and that’s part of the old-parent-judging-you tape. It is imperative that those negative messages are refuted by reframing it with a positive opposite thought.

REFRAMING YOUR THOUGHTS

Old Thought: I will never be any good at anything.
New Thought: I already am good at something and I can work at becoming really great at whatever I choose to do.

Old Thought: No one will ever love me.
New Thought: I can allow my Higher Power to love me. I can love myself. As I become more acceptable to myself, I will attract more loving people to me.

Initially, this is not easy. It takes work, yes hard word. But the effort is worth it as you become the loving parent to yourself – that you never had as a child – and with the benefit of adult freedom and responsibility.

SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Asking yourself questions can be helpful. Such as:

In what ways am I abandoning myself?

In way ways am I acting like my original dysfunctional parent(s)?

How can I be more supportive of myself?

How can I show love to myself?

LEARNING MORE ABOUT IT

If you want to learn more about what it means to be a loving parent, pick up a good book on parenting. You may not have a child but in this case you are the child that needs parenting. By reading the book, you can learn about all the qualities that make for a good parent. Then begin incorporating these qualities into your behavior and become a loving parent to yourself.

It is time to be that loving parent to you. It’s a win-win for you and every one else in your life.