Relationships
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Relationships -
How to Have Great Relationships
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Written by Mary-Anne Reed
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Thursday, 20 May 2010 19:44 |
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Key Concepts: Relationships, Human Behavior, Friendships, Online Friendships, Internet Relationships, Texting
 A number of years ago, while visiting my brother who lived hundreds of miles away, I remember that he told me, "Phone calls are sufficient. You don't need to spend time with people face to face." I had just asked him why he didn't spend more time with his two daughters who lived in a different state.
Oh boy, I know where this is headed, I thought to myself.
What kind of a relationship do you think my brother cultivated with his offspring? If you answered, "poor" you would be right. His relationships with his girls, based on his phone call philosophy, reaped non-existent ones for him.
Right up front I’ll also say that my brother and I have no relationship either. For him, I didn’t rise to the level of a telephone.
Some people don’t believe they need to invest themselves in their relationships. They leave everything to chance and the result is: burnt bridges, broken relationships and isolation.
You Cultivate Genuine and Trusting Relationships In-Person!
The willingness to spend time with those you have decided to love is the only way to cultivate genuine and trusting relationships.
Much of our emotional tone is seen in our faces, our body gestures, and felt in touches, hugs, and kisses. When we deprive another of our physical presence, we take away much of what we offer – our bodies, our emotions – our physicality.
A face to face interaction is not replaced by good thoughts, prayers, time on the phone, emails, social networking, video conferencing nor texting. You end up getting out what you put into it. A voice, your typing and tech skills or your heart.
Online Friends Are Great as Long as You've Got Your Face to Face Ones in Your Life
Don't get me wrong. I love my online friends. But none of us have any real idea of how we would get along were we actually face to face in the same room. That means online relationships are missing an essential layer, physicality, that cannot be negotiated nor dealt with on the Internet...though some people certainly give it a good try.
Online relationships put a lot of space between two people, giving them more room to relate without the normal responsibilities required by face-to-face ones. While Internet groups give us a sense of friendship and even courtship, they are NOT the equivalent of a in-person one.
In truth, we react differently to people when we are in their presence. A whole different dynamic is brought into play. One that solidifies or distances us from each other. In-person the contact is more immediate, intensely personal and likely to promote greater & deeper intimacy. Also, the opposite can happen: We may not jive with someone we interact with on a physical plane and may have to re-evaluate how close we'd like to be to this person.
I vividly remember one incident that taught me about physicality and getting along with people. I was taking an acting class from a woman who had a strong personality with which I constantly collided. It wasn't pleasant. Half way through the class, she called me at home and we had a wonderful conversation on the phone. No personality run-ins whatsoever. Yet back in class the difficult relationships continued. That opened my eyes to how physicality changes relationship dynamics.
Go for Genuine and Lasting Relationships
A willingness to spend time with those who give meaning to your life is an essential principle for creating genuine and lasting relationships.
So call someone to make a date to spend some time over breakfast, lunch, dinner or to see a movie together. How about a walk through a park or on the beach? Good relationships require we spend time together.
 Mary-Anne Reed is a professional writer who explores topics such as self-help, mind-body information, holistic health, relationships. She is also a watercolorist artist, graphic designer and web designer with her own greeting cardline, http://amazinggreetingcards.com. She has been married for almost 30 years to Brandt Reed, MFT (licensed Marriage, Family Therapist in California) who has more than 30 years experience counseling clients in areas such as relationships, depression, stress, careers.
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Last Updated on Friday, 21 May 2010 00:54 |
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Relationships -
How to Have Great Relationships
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Written by Administrator
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Tuesday, 01 September 2009 22:34 |
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Key Concepts: Relationships, Friendships, Marriage, Good Relationship Principles
 What principles make for a good relationship?
For friendship:
- Respect
- Willingness to spend time with that special person
- A good listening ear
- Showing interest in what that person cares about
- Dealing with conflicts in a mature way and as they come up -- not procrastinating when it comes to confronting issues
- Sharing your life together
- Showing that you care
- Helping out when problems arise
- Calling often enough or just being there for that person
- Focusing on what's right with the other person and not what's wrong
For couples add this:
- Complimenting each other every day
- Saying "I love you"often
- Being generous
- Encouraging each others' endeavors -- hobbies, projects, goals
- Having mutually shared goals
- Showing your mate you believe in them as a person and in what they choose to do
There are more principles but if everyone just followed the above, all of our relationships would shine.
In upcoming articles, we will explore some of these principles in more detail.
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Last Updated on Tuesday, 01 September 2009 23:36 |
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Relationships -
How to Have Great Relationships
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Written by Mary-Anne Reed
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Friday, 14 August 2009 20:31 |
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Key Concepts: Forgiveness, Overcoming Resentment, Finding Happiness
 Nora grumbled to her therapist that she would never forgive her ex-husband. It was 20 years ago he left her for another woman, his secretary. Since then her ex had divorced and married another.
Nora was devastated from her divorce. She remained single and revengeful. She never missed an opportunity to belittle the memory of him, though he had disappeared from her life many years ago. Nora’s hands once beautiful and soft were now riddled with arthritis. They looked like claws ready to squeeze her ex-husband’s neck as she exclaimed, “I would like to strangle him.”
Nora might be an extreme example of someone refusing to forgive another. But many struggle with similar relationship difficulties and cannot find it within themselves to let go of people they believe “did them wrong!”
Often, the reason someone does not forgive is that they are under the mistaken conclusion that letting go of a grudge means the person they are holding something against will then get off scot free. But this kind of thinking is false for many reasons.
One: The person you are not forgiving probably rarely thinks of you or your lack of forgiveness. So they are little effected by your never-gonna-forgive-‘em stance.
Two: This kind of thinking leads to unwanted consequences. While you’re trying to make sure this person is somehow punished by your thoughts, it’s you who’s getting the beating. “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” -- Aura MaeWhenever we hold resentments, grudges and bad feelings within us, this negative energy lodges into our consciousness and human energy field. The negative energy becomes a blocking force against our flowing energy and over time will diminish not only our life force but our health.
Once you realize that forgiveness does not change the outcome of another person’s life but rather yours, you are more likely to want to forgive. This does not mean that you are condoning or saying what happened to you is okay. It just means that you are freeing yourself from the revengeful feelings you’ve been harboring so you can feel good and happy once more.
Research has shown that resentment, bitterness and grudge holding results in long-term health problems; whereas forgiveness brings healing and benefits including:
- Diminished stress
- Lower blood pressure
- Calmer heart rate
- Lifting of Depression
- Stronger, healthier relationships
- Improved mental health
- Spiritual well being
- Less hostility
How do you begin to forgive?
Although you may have you own way of working on forgiveness, here's one idea: Make Forgiveness a Ritual. Making a ritual of forgiving another works to impress on your conscious and unconscious minds that you mean business.
Find a quiet place, light a candle and say the following:
I light a candle to encourage myself. I do longer desire to carry around anger, resentment, hatred, bitterness. I therefore have decided to forgive _______. I let go of ______. I forgive ______ completely. I free myself of ___________ and know when I forgive, I am being let free. I no longer allow myself to believe that a lack of forgiveness is best or even helpful. I forgive because it is good for me to do so.
If you are religious, you can add prayer to your ritual thanking God for helping you to forgive and asking for His blessing.
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Last Updated on Tuesday, 01 September 2009 02:21 |
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Relationships -
How to Have Great Relationships
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Written by Brandt Reed, M.F.T.
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Thursday, 06 August 2009 21:28 |
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 Judy is a sales rep, and she cold calls on prospects. She’s acquired several new accounts because she takes risks. However, uncooperative buyers have slammed the door in Judy’s face more than once. Others have refused to smile, responding as if she were a terrorist. More than a few leveled wisecracks, slurs and curses. Despite all this, Judy thrives and is at the top for her sales group.
Larry is Judy's accountant. One of Judy’s clients referred her to him. In fact, all Larry’s customers come from recommendations. Larry likes it that way.
This year, after finishing Judy's taxes, Larry was shocked when Judy told him, “I think I should get more deductions. My last accountant saved me a bundle. What have you forgotten? I’m thinking I might go elsewhere."
Truth be told, Larry was devastated by Judy's remarks. He left work immediately for an early lunch. While dining, his blood pressure shot up as he recalled another recent client who had told him, "Buddy, you stink. I'm going elsewhere." Larry finds himself a little too often eating sandwiches and milk shakes at local coffee shop. He is also 30 pounds overweight.
Both Judy and Larry are dealing with criticism and insult. Yet each copes and manages differently.
When you are talking with others you expect them to be civil. Nevertheless, some people, like Larry's second client, are more insulting than civil.
If you don’t get the low down at work, you might find it closer to home. More often than not, it's family and friends who are leveling disparaging remarks and putting us down.
Where will you feel it most?
What you value will be your weakest insult area – it could be your work, your intelligence, your looks or even you personally. The more personal it is, the more insults sting. (For instance, you may not mind if they criticize a friend.)
Here’s another scenario:
You’re relaxed, talking with a friend about the economy, and suddenly he or she makes a disparaging remark that either invalidates your point of view, your intelligence and even your person hood. "That's a stupid idea. Whatever made you assume that?" This person just told you in a roundabout way that you're stupid.
Sometimes the insulting person makes their remarks without thinking. Other times that person is deliberately and purposefully putting you down. In both cases, the intent is to control you. The comment was meant to get you to react in some way. Judy’s purpose in criticizing Larry was to get him to do a better job for her. The second client was already out the door and simply wanted to punish Larry for failing him.
If you are like Judy with her Teflon Insult Protection (TIP), an insult makes little impact on you. Like her, you can forgets all about it and get a good night’s sleep.
If you’re like Larry who can't let it go of it, you may shut down the conversation, start an argument or even stay up all night in a worried state (the refrigerator door may be opened and closed several times during this stage).
What’s makes Judy and Larry different?
If your behavior falls on the Larry side, your childhood and upbringing may have played a part. You are more likely to be insult vulnerable and reactive if you have a history of feeling discounted. This is true if your father, mother or siblings discounted, devalued or even abused you.
This disparaging kind of treatment may have originated from a teacher or your schoolmates. The more discounted, devalued and abused you’ve been, the more likely you’ll be reacting to slights, slurs and slams. That’s because this kind of treatment feeds into a lower self esteem and unconscious thoughts about being unworthy. When someone dings you, you are reminded of the original dings you received sometimes before you have conscious memory.
One client of mine who has worked on her self esteem still recalls past insults. In the sixth grade she was an “A” student. Her teacher however targeted her for the slightest mistake and called her stupid in front of the class when she forgot a memorized line in their graduation ceremony practice. Fortunately, this woman’s mother had built up her daughter’s self esteem over many years by telling her she was intelligent so the teacher's comment while remembered had little impact.
Another client who came to see me was shy and could not develop friendships easily. She told me about her experience in the third grade. One day she decided to bravely raise her hand to answer the teacher’s question. Due to her shyness, this was a major effort. The teacher called on her. Unfortunately, my client's answer was wrong. Worse, the entire class laughed at her and so did the teacher!
My client was flabbergasted and made up her mind this would never happen again. After that, she quit raising her hand in class and stopped all attempts to make friends. That day’s insult not only painfully reinforced her shyness but caused her to isolate herself until as an adult she sought professional help.
Most people are not dramatically affected by insults yet are bothered in other ways. An insult attacks our self esteem. That means we have to deal with it. If our self image is shaky, we deal with it poorly, internalize it and add it to our list of personalize grievances.
Instead of treating an insult as an insensitive comment or a remark by someone with their own self esteem issues, we take it on as our problem. As we take it into ourselves, we start to lose our identities – a valuable part of ourselves. This may make us defensive. Or we may decide to play it safe and not talk about anything personal or controversial.
Next blog learn how to process an insult, how to properly view the insulting party, and how to make yourself less vulnerable to attack.
Brandt Reed, MFT is a licensed marriage, family and child therapist with over 25 years experience counseling clients. His wife, Mary-Anne Reed, is a writer, graphic and web designer and artist. Together they are blogging on "How to Have Great Relationships!"
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Last Updated on Wednesday, 12 August 2009 23:16 |
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Relationships -
How to Have Great Relationships
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Written by Brandt Reed, M.F.T.
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Thursday, 30 July 2009 22:19 |
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 You’re a positive and outgoing person. You have lots of friends. A new potential friend on the scene could use a little attention but you can’t figure out why they’re shying away. Why are they rejecting your good vibes? Doesn’t everybody want love? Doesn’t everybody want goodness in their lives?
The answer is...not everybody. What do People Want...Really?
Most want a good and happy life. That’s why there’s so many self help books. People are trying to get their ideal life. Some say they want good things but it’s more in theory than practice. For those shying away from accepting goodness into their lives, this can include areas such as relationships, financial security, successful careers and education. But the list could go on and on. A very smart man came to me for counseling. His problem was finishing up his college education. He started at the university with high expectation. He began each semester with a positive attitude. But just as he got past midterms, he either stopped showing up for classes or quit doing his homework. This of course caused him to fail. When he did, he felt terrible but that did not prevent him from repeating this pattern of failure again and again A nice woman sought my advice, complaining rightly about her boyfriend. He didn’t work, drank excessively and treated her as an afterthought. After much turmoil and soul searching, she ended the relationship. A few months later, she shared she had met a new fellow who had a real job, didn’t drink and adored her. That went along for a short time until she decided that “John was boring.” So she broke up with him. Finally, she met a third man who turned out to be almost exactly like the first boyfriend. She was right back from where she started. These two examples illustrate how some people don’t allow themselves to succeed in certain areas of their lives and cannot accept goodness as something they deserve and enjoy. In the world at large, there are many people with similar sad stories. Reasons Why People Reject Goodness into Their Lives
Although each person’s reason's might be complex, underneath it all are people with low self-esteem. How did this come about? It began for them in their childhood. As children, you receive thousands of messages from your care givers and siblings which make an indelible imprint on your conscious and unconscious minds. If you were treated with love and kindness, you will feel more comfortable being treated that way. However, if you were rejected, treated with criticism, judgement and abuse, you will grow up with an internalized belief that you do not deserve success and happiness in one or more areas of your life which may include relationships, career, education and even peace of mind. No matter where you’re at with your self-esteem, you can change your capacity for allowing love and goodness into your life by affirming your worthiness and building up your confidence. Where to Begin to Change Your Self-Esteem?
But first you must honestly recognize your deep seated feelings of inadequacy at least to yourself. (Be careful with whom you share this information and only to trusted friends or a therapist.) These feelings were cultivated by your childhood experience that you may not remember but reside within your unconscious mind. Harmful messages residing in your unconscious mind can cause you to sabotage yourself even though you intend good things for yourself.(A good therapist can help you uncover and reframe these messages.) Write down all the old negative messages you received as a child or even as an adult. Talk back to these messages by making positive statements. Example: Bad Message: I am a rotten human being:
Good Message: That’s not true, I am trying my best to be a good person. I may not do things perfectly but that does not mean I’m a bad person. I choose to believe in my potential as a great human being. Once your self-esteem improves, you will begin to make better choices and feel more comfortable around kind and caring people. Seeking a therapist will help you make these changes more efficiently. However, you may be able to achieve this on your own if you work at it daily. Hopefully, this information helps both those with low self-esteem as well as the more positive types to understand why some people shy away from love and goodness and not take it personally.
 Brandt Reed, M.F.T. is a licensed marriage, family and
child therapist in the state of California. Brandt has more than 25
years practice in counseling clients back to emotional and mental
health. He specializes in overcoming depression, stress, family and
marriage relationships. He has written a booklet entitled, "Moving
Beyond Depression" which has sold thousands of copies and he continues
to write on specialized topics including Defeating Burnout, Overcoming
Anxiety, and Finding Meaning and Signficance in Your Life.
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Last Updated on Thursday, 30 July 2009 23:26 |
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